14 August 2010

The Cup That Overflows

I have had much to say.
And I've had very little to utter.

My life seems to operate in this push-me-pull-you kind of way these days. In the spring I felt strongly impressed by God to allow myself a time of silence, to simply sit back and "be," to keep my eyes and ears open but my mouth closed. To exercise my self-discipline. Perhaps preparing me to tend to other things that I didn't yet know were on my horizon.

In April I was diagnosed with breast cancer- although I knew it in my heart for almost a month previous to it being officiated. What graciousness that whispers these things early to my spirit! Preparing the way for hard news, readying me to face my husband, my children, my parents, my sisters and brothers, my friends and family and to tell them to their stricken faces- God is doing something in me and He is using my body as a vehicle.

I have wanted so often to come to this blogging "living room" of mine and tell the world what God has brought about, what He is still in the process of revealing to me. But I've feared the narcissism of it all. (And then I give myself a good chuckle, because after all, what else IS a blog if it's not all about what I want to say and how I want to engage the world? Blog= narcissism.) And at times, most of the time really, I'm at a loss for words. Breast cancer is a huge thing. Even more profound are the twists and turns my heart takes on a daily basis- some as a direct result of this new facet to my life, some just bubbling away in the day-to-day of life.

I've wanted to come to this "living room" to share with you, but then... what do I really have to say? The words do not come easy. The answers don't come easy. Even the questions themselves are somewhat hard to articulate.
So, again, I've had to learn contentment in just sitting quietly and letting it wash over me. Holding out my tiny cup of me into the pounding waterfall of life and taking what small droughts I can. Is this what they mean when they say "my cup overfloweth?"

I sit here these days breastless, hairless, tastebud-less, and sometimes energy-less. But I am not hopeless or loveless. My cup overfloweth.

And I truly apologize for not getting this out here sooner. But if you're interested, I have a Facebook support group that I write to frequently- it's the practicals and the weekly updates of what my treatment is like. Look for "Erin Teske Support Group" in the groups section of Facebook. I'd love to add you.
For those of you trying to steer clear of Facebook, I also send the same updates out through an E-mail loop. Just leave me your preferred E-mail address in the comments section here, and I'll add you to the list.