07 May 2008

Gagged and Bound, Hanging Upside Down

The drops weave together daily,
their fibrous web,
and bind me in this sticky love.
I trip upon my own heart strings.

They shoot me full of adrenaline, then entangle me, gag me, rob me
Leaving me to finish off what's left of myself.
Heart racing, eyes bulging; wet, salty and gasping.
Wishing, perhaps, they'd completed their aim this time.
Please stop toying with me and end it.
(Then thinking that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.)

I'll try to gnaw my way free
But I always end up chewing on things too long.
Snapping a constricting heart string, I may not know where to stop.
When am I truly free? What does it feel like to finally be unstuck from the web?
Someone sauntered by and filled my ear with helpful hints and timeless truths,
Their own heart strings still dangling from their ankles,
Snagging twigs and dry leaves as they passed.
"Go over-under, through-the-loop
Twist it three times to the left."
(But your knots are not my knots.) (I just wanna make that clear.)

I looked for the Queen of Hearts, but only managed to find the Spades.
I do suppose it's apropros
The blood's drained out of me anyway.
What's left behind when I'm out of juice,
Gagged and bound, hanging upside down-
Empty, black and dangling there?
So Queen of Spades it is.
We meet again.

Those tired old eyes. Watching her lifeblood ride off into the distance.
Has her heart chosen to leave her for good? Trickling away on a daily basis.
Gagged and bound, hanging upside down
She looks powerless to stop those hell bent horses.
Voiceless against it all.
(Frankly, right now I wouldn't even know what to say if given the chance.)

It's all there somewhere. Scribbled down in a fever and wrapped tight beneath the tangle of love and blood.

Maybe the Spade Queen is the Heart Queen with a weird case of hemophilia.
Only clotting when she's been bled out.
Surrounding her, rather than coursing through, the viscous red sticks and swells.
Imprisoning her.
Bringing death from within her own beating heart.
(Weird is right!)

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
The sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.
It is always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth.

Do you find this comforting or the death knell?
Swaddling clothes and embalming strips feel very much the same.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Erin said...

I found this wonderful quote yesterday over on Solid Food for Fellow Pilgrims. Gracias, Lance.

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety."
George Mueller


The Queen of Spades looks anxious, I'd say. Oh, where has she paced her faith?

9:03 AM  
Anonymous heather said...

Wow, girl.
I see the beauty swirling in these ashes.

9:59 AM  
Blogger rhon said...

Did this come about as a result of the Colossians study? If so, could you explain?

2:55 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Thanks for your kind spirit, Heather.

Rhon,
You know me, my mind is like a messy chalkboard. So, yes, it kind of came out of the Colossians study.
But more in the sense that I was trying to clear the cobwebs from my brain so I could think more clearly about Colossians.
This just represents other things that have been on my mind... I was finding it really hard to latch on to Col. when I had this swirling around in there.

3:24 PM  

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